I promised this blog wouldn't turn into a pity party and it kind of has...so let's lighten the mood.
I'm pretty bummed because I've bee able to get lip gloss (one of my favorite things in the WORLD) for dirt cheap from Victoria's Secret. I am obsessed with their beauty rush lip gloss but I would never pay full price for it because I don't spend $7 on lip gloss. Howev, I've been able to take advantage of some freakishly good coupon deals and get them for about $1. Anywho, I'm all out and haven't seen any deals as of late. Boooo.
Today I found a coupon for Rimmel Royal gloss and thought I'd give it a whirl. It was on sale and after a coupon, I paid $2 and I am VERY happy with it. It is very glossy and yummy smelling.
I'm a bit of a lip gloss snob because all lip glosses are NOT created equal. I once had a friend give me some from Lancome and I was in heaven...
But, those are about $10 per tube. Once again--not gonna happen. So, my Rimmel will have to suffice.
Oh, and while I'm thinking about Victoria's Secret...for what it's worth, this is my very favorite scent in the entire world right now. I NEVER use an entire bottle of something before getting sick of it and I've used this up in a year. And now it's gone. My birthday can't come fast enough...
Life is like a box of chocolates, right? Well after my last post I've had some pretty good talks with Danny. I am so grateful to have someone that I can talk to about ANYthing. I can't imagine having a marriage where you don't feel comfortable discussing the things that are the most dear to you. Here's basically what we've decided: adoption is a good direction for us to go in.
I've always wanted to adopt. Maybe it's because I was 14 when I found out I had PCOS and I always kind of knew it was likely or a serious option to consider. Danny and I haven't given up on having our own biological children but a friend of mine told me that she wished she had started the adoption process sooner because it took longer than she thought it would. She also assured me that you can back out at any time if it doesn't seem right or if you get pregnant and decide not to adopt. In my eyes, it seems like a winning situation.
What about the money? We are going through LDS Family Services which only charges you 10% of our gross annual income--a huge blessing. It not only makes it affordable but it makes it more likely to be able to do it again in the future if we decide to. Although adoption can be expensive I've talked to several friends who have spend literally thousands and thousands of dollars on infertility treatments with no results. With adoption--you might have to wait longer than you'd like, but you end up with a baby (except in some rare cases..there seems to be exceptions to every rule). As a side note, black babies are "easier" to adopt meaning it's a quicker process. For us, we don't care what color our baby is. Ultimately, we'll be sealed together in the temple and that will make the baby OURS. For eternity. That is what matters.
I know this is quite a turn from my last post but I'm really good at writing a blog post when I'm in the thick of things and feeling overwhelmed. It's like a little sneak peak at my brain...and my emotions.
We are excited. We are putting this first and we are going to do everything we can to add on to our little family. We know it won't be easy and we know there will be ups and downs and lots of emotions but here's the thing: we're already dealing with crazy emotions and roller coaster feelings, it'll just be different circumstances. Please keep us in mind if you know of a birth mom who is in need of a family!
This is not a happy post so if you're looking for sunshine and butterflies--you're on the wrong blog.
Today I should be starting my FOURTH round of fertility meds but I don't want to. I'm sick of wasting money on something that isn't working.
I talked to 3 separate people today that gave me news that I don't like:
1. Our insurance dude who told me that our insurance basically doesn't cover any infertility/adoption costs (meaning it "does" but after all is said and done the reimbursement doesn't come back to us).
2. The receptionist at a fertility clinic that my ob/gyn recommended who told me that they don't accept our health insurance because it's the lowest tier of select health.
3. The billing woman at said clinic who went over self pay pricing with me. I was FREAKING OUT. We'd have to be on Oprah to win the money...but she's retired now so we have no luck. :(
So, even though once upon a time my Stake President once told me "it doesn't take money to have a baby, it takes faith"...in our case it really isn't true. It takes money. And we don't have it. So I guess we won't be having more kids until we can afford to do what it takes. Which is probably never.
Ok, wow. Where to start. Well, the first thing on my mind is kind of a big deal. I'm on my second round of fertility medicine called Femara. It's similar to Clomid in that it has the same outcome (forcing your body to release more eggs) but it goes about it in a different way and there are fewer negative side effects. I have noticed that Femara doesn't make me feel crazy like Clomid did, but a week or so after I take the last pill I can feel my hormones surge and I get really irritable and PMSy. I guess it comes with the territory. For the first time in my entire life (that I can remember) I had a 28 day cycle after the first round. That was unreal.
Last month I had a hysterosalpingogram (say that 10 times fast). It was expensive but worth it. We discovered that my left fallopian tube was blocked. This is HUGE. The radiation tech was able to unblock it and even though he had to force me into labor pains and cramping and I wanted to punch him in the face while he was doing it--I was extremely happy with the outcome :) He just improved my chances of having a baby by 50% so I told him I'd name my next boy after him. Heh. His name is Andrew and he goes by Andy..so...we'll see.
I feel like we are making some good steps towards getting pregnant and we're doing everything in OUR power. The rest is up to Heavenly Father and his timing. I do feel like it will happen soonish. Just a gut feeling. I'm planning on returning to work in the Fall but if I get pregnant I know I won't be able to work so I'm hoping I'll get pregnant in May. That would be great timing. A winter baby would be lovely :)
Along with all of this constantly on my mind, we're packing to move on the 23rd, anticipating our family trip to Disneyland on the 30th and trying to find someone to take over our lease in the next couple weeks. Let's add work on top of that because my life isn't crazy enough. The last month and a half of school are crazy. There's so much going on and the kids are at their limit (I think the teachers are too). Everybody is ready for a break. If I could hold class outside I totally would. :)
Danny and I just celebrated 7 years of marriage together and I did a fun post about how we met and it's made me want to do a longer, more detailed post with pictures and better explanations of things. I want Cole to be able to read our story and the way my memory is these days--if I don't record it now, it probably won't happen.
Okay, I really wanted to do a longer post but I have a raging headache and I have to finish preparing my primary lesson for tomorrow so I'll write more later.
There is much to be said for my "happy little place" blog but I feel like I don't have the time. I feel like the next few months are going to be very hectic...so until I feel like really slacking off on my duties (totally welcome at any moment, by the way) I won't have much time to update this.
Just know, things are pretty darn good right now.
Goal 1: Make it to April 23 which is moving day
Goal 2: Make it to April 30 which is the day we fly to DISNEYLAND!!
I have been feeling really weird lately. I'd say for the past several weeks I've been unusually tired. I always feel a little blue during January/February but I have been wanting to HIBERNATE. I feel like I could sleep all day long and can't get enough energy to do much but get through the day. Some days I can push myself to be productive and some days I can't. Today, I couldn't. Ironically, even though I've been sleeping like a newborn the past few weeks (going to bed early, sleeping in and taking naps) I have still slept fine at night...until tonight. I'm pretty much wide awake and my mind is going in a million different directions. I've also been having WEIRD dreams. I mean, I always have unusual dreams that are pretty entertaining to recount to Danny but I've been having rage dreams. I'll wake up and be livid with someone...it usually takes me a while to calm down and realize that it was JUST a dream.
I don't have any pregnancy symptoms so I know it's not that--I'm just not sure where all the other stuff is coming from. I'll have CRAZY cravings for sweets and then days like today--not care for food at all...I'm just eating because my stomach aches if I don't. I'll have horrible back and knee pain and then the next day it'll be fine. Am I totally mental? Well, let's ask a less obvious question--WHY am I mental? :)
I've been having bad headaches and feel super anxious but not for any specific reason (that my consciousness is aware of). Anxious to the point of just worrying about nothing. It's pretty annoying. So yeah, I'm mental.
I'm also missing my old ward. I ran into a friend at Target today from my old ward and we chatted for a bit. It make me miss all my friends there. It's so interesting how when we moved in with my parents, I worried that I wouldn't fit in because all the girls were very settled, living in homes, and were NOT in a transitional phase of life and that's exactly what I WAS. I was a little worried about the financial gap, too. They live in beautiful, new homes and I was living with my parents because...we were broke. Here's what I find cool: I bonded with so many of the women very quickly. I made lots of friends and I miss them all so much. I got over the worry that they would judge me for being poor (it might sound dumb but it was a serious concern of mine) and I realized that they liked me for ME. I felt like everyone got (and shared) my sense of humor...we just seemed to mesh well. Here, we are in a very transitional ward. We are made of 2 apartment complexes. We've been here close to a year and I don't feel like I have a strong connection with anyone. This is so hard for me to say because I've never really experienced this. I had a couple girls in the ward (the ones who visit taught me) that I became friends with but they both just moved...punks :) So now I'm back to square one. It's hard to love living somewhere when you don't feel a bond with anyone. If we got into a predicament and had to call someone in the ward--I have NO idea who I would call. How sad is that? It's probably my fault at this point because I've made up my mind that this ward is very temporary and that I don't have any friends...so why try? I have acquaintances (like the other women in the Primary) and people I smile at on Sundays...but not girls I would just call up and get together with. That's kind of lame. I think all women need that. Anyway, blah blah blah--poor me. I'm just missing my old ward and I don't really think anyone in our current ward "gets me". ..and they don't even know I'm mental!
Yikes, it's 1:00 AM. My eyes are feeling a little droopy. Cool, I bore myself!
Maybe later I'll have something more interesting to share. Peace out.
I wish I had the words to really express what I think about Emma Hale Smith. Her life was extraordinary but so was her grief. Tonight I rewatched the movie Emma Smith: My Story. I've seen it before and I wanted to watch it again. For the second time, the divinity of her role in Joseph Smith's life (and therefore, the growth and life of the LDS church) was testified to me in a very powerful way.
I don't think the majority of people truly understand what she suffered. How many children she had to bury, the trials that she had to endure because of who she was married to or the burden that she carried. Her father rejected Joseph from the beginning and it broke her heart. She was called on to not only be a support to Joseph, but to be a comfort to those around her. To lead the Relief Society, put together a book of hymns, encourage the weary and be strong for her children. They were robbed, made fun of, and she often went hungry alongside her children (of which 5 died if I did the math right). I can't imagine losing your first 3 children. This makes my trials seem almost ridiculous. She sacrificed more than I will probably ever be asked to give.
Lucy Mack Smith (Mother of Joseph Smith, Jr. said this of Emma: “I have never seen a woman in my life, who would endure every species of fatigue and hardship, from month to month, and from year to year, with that unflinching courage, zeal, and patience, which she has ever done; for I know that which she has had to endure—she has been tossed upon the ocean of uncertainty—she has breasted the storms of persecution, and buffeted the rage of men and devils, which would have borne down almost any other woman.”
Her testimony of the Book of Mormon never wavered, even after she parted ways with Brigham Young and the organized church. Even when Parley P. Pratt visited her many years later, she sustained Joseph and the authenticity of the Book of Mormon. She said that she believed Joseph was "everything he professed to be". Many have come to believe that she lost her faith after Joseph Smith died. That her integrity was lost. It is my personal belief that with all she suffered--she came to a point where she wasn't mentally complete. I guess what I mean to say is that after having gone through so much grief, she must have come to a breaking point and that perhaps her judgement was a bit clouded. I think that any woman would have done the same thing. Who are we to judge her decisions? There is no way to know what anyone else would have done because no one else endured what she did. I feel a reverence towards her that I can't explain. I can't and won't justify some of the things that happened later in her life--but it's not my job to. A granddaughter, Emma Belle Smith Kennedy, remembers Emma: “Her eyes were brown and sad. She would smile with her lips but to me, as small as I was, I never saw the brown eyes smile. I asked my mother one day, why don’t Grandma laugh with her eyes like you do and my mother said because she has a deep sorrow in her heart.” As for me, I can say that I believe she was a loyal, loving, faithful, strong woman who was the perfect wife for Joseph Smith, Jr. He needed her and she was the love of his life. These reports really touched me:
Emma's son, Alexander reported that before her death, she received a vision that "disclosed her acceptance by the Lord."
Emma lived almost thirty-five years after the martyrdom of her Prophet-husband. She died 30 April 1879 in her seventy-fifth year. In her last years she was greatly loved, and in the last hours of her life she was attended by her family: Louis Bidamon, Julia, Joseph III, 26 and Alexander. According to Alexander, Emma seemed to sink away, but then she raised up and stretched out her hand, calling, “Joseph! Joseph!” Falling back on Alexander’s arm, she clasped her hands on her bosom, and her spirit was gone. Both Alexander and Joseph thought she was calling for her son Joseph, but later, Alexander learned more about the incident. Sister Elizabeth Revel, Emma’s nurse, explained that a few days earlier Emma had told her that Joseph came to her in a vision and said, “Emma, come with me, it is time for you to come with me.” “As Emma related it, she said, ‘I put on my bonnet and my shawl and went with him; I did not think that it was anything unusual. I went with him into a mansion, and he showed me through the different apartments of that beautiful mansion.’ And one room was the nursery. In that nursery was a babe in the cradle. She said, ‘I knew my babe, my Don Carlos that was taken from me.’ She sprang forward, caught the child up in her arms, and wept with joy over the child. When Emma recovered herself sufficient she turned to Joseph and said, ‘Joseph, where are the rest of my children.’ He said to her, ‘Emma, be patient and you shall have all of your children.’ Then she saw standing by his side a personage of light, even the Lord Jesus Christ.”
Taken from: Gracia N. Jones, “My Great-Great-Grandmother, Emma Hale Smith,” Ensign, Aug 1992
Here is a trailer for the video which prompted my post...
This is a song written specifically about Emma Smith from the Nashville Tribute Band. Mindy Gledhill (who I LOVE) is singing it.
Never had an ordinary day,
never lived your life in an ordinary way.
For everything you loved you paid a price
but you couldn´t let the world see you cry.
Never had a moment of peace,
never felt the sun light when the worries set you free.
Every time your life turned a page
seemed like your heart might break.
With the world on your shoulders,
when the nights had grown colder,
you seemed to weather every storm with a queens grace.
When you lost your husband when you buried your children,
I´m sure the angels stood in reverence as you prayed.
How much can one heart take?
How much can one heart take?
Never had a day to call your own
so many needed your warm heart as a home,
whispering a mother´s lullaby
as you sat alone by the fire
I´m sure your heart breaks when some people still say,
somewhere down the line you lost your faith.
How much can one heart take?
I feel tired and gross. I want to sleep all day and I'm sick of the weather. This time last year we were planning a fun little trip to California and I had something to look forward to. We stayed for a perfect-weathered week at Disneyland, Six Flags, the Beach and the San Diego Temple. It was literally the ideal getaway. Throw a romantic dinner in at a quaint little Italian Restaurant and it couldn't get much better.
Every day I wake up wishing it was April and the flowers were bursting out of the ground...but it's still just plain and ugly outside. This is the worst part of the year for me. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I HATE it. I've got those blasted winter blues. I literally feel like all the energy has been SUCKED out of me and I don't know where it went or how to find it. Sorry for the downer post, I've actually had several happy posts in the works for a while and just haven't finished them...and this just kind of spilled out of my fingers. Sorry.
So I'm feeling good about "things". I am really starting to feel like the things in my life that need to be improved upon can happen (maybe not easily) if I am strict with how close I stay to the Lord. I know that the times in my life I've been the happiest and the most successful are the times when my relationship with God has been strong. It's sad how easy it is to start letting basic things like prayer and scripture study slide. A friend of mine told me once that when she was losing weight consistently she was reading the Book of Mormon voraciously. She said she could actually feel the strength to resist food temptations coming from the spiritual strength she was also receiving to overcome worldly temptations. Pretty cool. I truly believe this but I guess I can't say that I KNOW it because to know it would mean that I'd really have to experience it for myself which I hope to. Very soon. I always set New Year Resolutions and then get overwhelmed with how hard it will be. I'm a total statistic because by mid February--my steam is gone and I'm discouraged once again. So I guess the difference will be my PLEADING for motivation, help and encouragement. I'm obviously the type of person who isn't just naturally self-motivated. I need lots of moral support..heh. Anyway, this isn't just regarding weight loss but it's pretty much every facet of my life that needs some construction work (and that's pretty much every facet). But, there's no time to sulk today. Lots to do and time is running out!
Make time stand still...please! I can't handle how fast things are going. For some reason Cole has been EXTREMELY cute, cuddly and huggy lately. I get like 20 hugs a day, lots of "I love you"s and loads of affection. I am really liking this. :) Even though I am a huge fan of this behavior, it's making me a little sad because I feel like which each little embrace he is getting a little big older and therefore growing further away from ME.
In just a couple years, Cole probably won't be running up to me to multiple times a day to give me hugs and tell me how much he loves me. My heart is aching just thinking about it. I'm trying REALLY hard to just enjoy every day I have with him and not think about what I don't have...but it's like even he knows something is missing. I'm not kidding you that the last few days he has said several times "Mom, I wish I had a little sister or brother." or "Wouldn't it be cool if I had a sister or brother?" I try not to just bring this stuff up with him because it makes me all emotional and I don't want to seem sad around him. I usually just say something like "Yeah, me too! I bet someday you will!". He is usually encouraged by that and will drop the subject for a day or so.
I don't want to think about the fact that I might be done having my own kids. I love being a teacher and all--but that doesn't come close to the kind of relationship and bond that you have with your own children. The last month has been especially hard on me and I think I know why. Of course we celebrate Christmas to remember the birth of the Savior. So naturally childbirth, babies and holding a newborn has been on my mind a lot. I remember listening to Christmas songs with new meaning after Cole was born. Once you've experienced having a child--I think your heart strings are tugged a little harder when you think about Mary and Joseph and their travel to Bethlehem only to end up in a stable where the Savior would be born. Very few things bring you as close to the other side of the veil as holding a newborn baby and I ache for that feeling again.
For some reason--it's not the time for us. For some reason, I blame myself and for some reason--I feel less hopeful than I did a while ago. :(
I feel like I've had so much to write about and not enough time to sit down and pour my thoughts out. The family blog is easier because I don't have to think much...I can just upload pictures, do a few captions and tells some funny stories. The truth is, I have a lot on my mind.
I'm feeling a bit "off" lately. Not sad or depressed, just "off". I'm still feeling lonely and I hate it. Some people deal better with it than I do. I know life can't be a total party all the time but I guess that's what I secretly want. Like, right now I should be doing the dishes and finishing up some last minute details for our Kindergarten Party tomorrow but I'd rather be blogging because I know that eventually PEOPLE will read this blog and I'm more connected to people than dishes. I know, it's a unique idea.
A few nights ago Danny and I were just chilling and enjoying the Christmas lights in the living room and talking about how much we have been through in just 6 1/2 years of marriage. Most people don't know what we've been through and that's probably a good thing. In the large picture it is such a minuscule slice of time but it really has seemed like forever. I think if we can survive what we've been through--we'll be able to make it.
What else am I thinking about? Having a baby. Some days I'm basking in my freedom. I love working part time and having time to do things like our impromptu visit downtown SL. But I'd give it all up in a second to be at home rocking a baby. I go through tides of "I love this extra time thing" and "I need a baby". I think struggling with fertility is an interesting trial. It's not something that is on my mind constantly but when I do think about it, my thoughts are pretty intense one way or the other. Right now I'm obviously on the "I need a baby" wave. I want to walk through the baby section of a store and buy something off the rack in the 0-3 months. section. I can't even bring myself to go near it. I'll be honest, it sucks. Really bad. I truly am grateful that I have Cole because I know it's possible for my body to have a baby, it just isn't the right time for whatever reason and I'm getting kind of sick of it. (Wow, I guess I'm feeling sadder than I thought I was). This is such a sticky subject because people my age are having babies all over the place and I don't resent them for it. I hope they don't feel that way. It's just like how I want to have a house...lots of my friends have a home and I don't resent them for having a house, I just look forward anxiously to the day that I can join the club :) It's just that I don't get depressed about not having a house (well, seriously for the most part I don't) and I do get depressed about not being able to have a baby. I want to bundle up a little baby and have him/her snuggle up on my shoulder and smell like newborn. That's what I really want for Christmas.
Gosh, I seriously have more to write about but I just noticed the time. I really need to do dishes because I had to use a plastic fork with dinner. Maybe next time I won't be such a Debbie Downer!
I think someone has possessed my little boy. He is whiny, weepy and ornery! I don't know what has happened in the last few weeks but something has to be done. I'm trying to pay attention to how much sugar he is eating and how much sleep he is getting but I'm not seeing any reason to cause his random behavior. To make it worse, he has started having accidents on an almost daily basis (at night). It's so crazy. His sleep walking has gotten really bad and he's having these weird episodes where he wakes up crying (well actually, he doesn't really "wake up" he just cries in his sleep) and is almost inconsolable. What the heck? He's going to bed at the same time as he always has (8 PM) and our schedule hasn't changed recently. He is terrified of going to the bathroom at school and he's too lazy to want to do it enough at home. I've tried to tell him that if he keeps having accidents we'll have to put him back in diapers. I'm probably the meanest Mom of all time--but seriously now. I don't know what to do!
He is crying over every tiny little thing and he's usually so happy! I don't like this phase and hopefully that's all it is because otherwise I might completely lose my sanity (and it's hanging by a thread as it is).
I swear I won't turn this into an "I have PCOS and I need to lose weight blog" because I've done a weight loss blog and it just doesn't work for me. I get stressed out if I miss a day of blogging and the stress from that causes me to overeat which causes me to not lose weight which depresses me which makes me eat even more. See why I quit that blog? Yeah.
But a quick update, I'm feeling good about my "plan". The doctor basically told me that I had to lose weight if I wanted to get pregnant. PCOS makes a lot of things complicated. It magnifies cravings, it makes me TIRED, and it makes it hard to lose the weight so you have to work extra hard to do it but I also truly believe that I can do it. It might not happen as quickly as I'd like it to happen but it CAN happen. I've done it before. Although, my PCOS is worse now from gaining weight so it's all back to getting to a healthier weight. I trust what my doctor has said and I am happy with the steps we're taking. I'm doing a couple other things that aren't really blog worthy :)
In OTHER news: I am already mourning the loss of Fall. This snow is not sitting well with me. It was freezing today and taking kids out to recess is pure torture. I need some of those hand warmers (and a scarf, mittens and a hat). I love the holidays that come with this time of year but I am so sad about how quickly the weather is changing. Fall hasn't lasted long enough. I'm still freaking out about how ONE tree can be purple, red, orange, green AND yellow. How? It honestly makes me happy every time I see one. It's just more proof that we have a loving Heavenly Father who has made simple things to bring us joy.
I seriously do. Today has been wild. I still geek out about how cool cell phones are and today I got to do a 4 way video chat with family in Kansas, Nebraska, West Valley and my dad in the other room. How crazy is that? We used Skype and were able to see and talk with each other. So crazy! Then on the way home we made some phone calls from our CAR via blue tooth technology. I'm still just so baffled at what technology has allowed us to do. It's such a blessing and a curse. It's addictive in so many ways but it also opens doors to communication and it expedites and simplifies so many things so it's just a matter of how you use it. Anyway, I'm just feeling especially grateful for technology today. It pretty much stinks being so far away from half my siblings but video chat definitely lessens the gap.
Nothing like a phone call from your doctor telling you that your blood is abnormal. Well gee, thanks doc! [Does this make me a freak show?] Actually, it's not news to me and I was expecting it but it's just making things a tad more official and for some reason a little scary, too.
I know our bodies are beautiful and miraculous but I guess I'm struggling with how to really really love my body right now. I guess there's only so much I have control over and after that--it's in God's hands.
1. Why is it that women/girls use Halloween as an excuse to dress like total hoochies? I hate how everything has to be a "sexy" costume. Today I saw a "sexy nun" costume. Seriously? I saw some employees at Walms today that seriously made me a bit uncomfortable. I didn't like the fact that Cole was seeing girls flaunting their...bosoms. They could take the grossest and most lame costume alive and make it a "sexy" version. It just bugs. That's all.
2. Why does an "Entrance" and "Exit" sign exist if no one follows it? I know this is a silly pet peeve but I don't like it when people flood into stores through the Exit. It's labeled for a reason. I sometimes go OUT of my way to go in the right door. If Cole doesn't learn anything else from his mother, he will learn to enter the ENTRANCE. That is all.
I was talking to Danny today about feeling lame that I actually blogged about having A friend. Like, one friend. It's actually kind of funny in a sad sort of way. (Caitlin and Betsy--you are completely excluded from this post, okay?) I kind of feel like I don't have any friends where we live and it is a weird feeling. I guess I have 2 so I should be grateful for them and not complain. :) It's like I was saying a couple posts ago...it's hard to make friends when you work. When we lived in "The Pines" (my VERY tricky way of keeping the name anonymous) Cole was at an age where playgroup was a MUST. I bonded with a lot of girls quickly. We went walking in the morning, hung out together all the time and STILL get together and laugh our guts out. It was a time of life where we were all in the same boat. Apartment living, super busy husbands, young children, etc. I miss those girls every day. I never felt alone because there were so many of us, my visiting teachers became some of my best friends and our kids were all best friends too!
Even living with my parents was awesome. The ward was so friendly and Cole was still at a "play group" age. That is such a blessing when you are new. It's a way to instantly make friends who are in the same stage of life as you. Even though they were more established and had homes and yards and decent cars (haha), I felt comfortable and I made friends quickly. I went from being a play group goer to working, having Cole in school and getting called to serve in the Nursery on Sundays. Suddenly I wasn't around to get to know the people around me and that was hard for me because I am a SOCIAL person. Well, most of the time.
This is a good ward. There are good people here...I don't want to deemphasize that. It's just hard that I don't have the type of "bond" with anyone where I could just practically walk into someone's place, open the fridge to grab a drink and sit and talk while helping them fold their laundry. I miss that. It's kind of like I went from the "I have young kids and I stay at home" phase of life to the "my kids are in school all day and now that I only work part-time I have days off where I don't know what to do". That's a big leap and it only happened in a year. Most women take years to have that transition. This isn't how I planned my life so maybe I should plan something WAY off track from what I secretly want and it will come true? Just wondering. Either way, I'm sure it'll end up differently than I had in my mind.
I hope somebody in my ward doesn't stumble across this post and feel pity on me. I'm not writing this to get pity I'm just processing what I'm thinking about and it actually makes me feel better to see it written out.
My brain is about to explode. I have so many things swirling around in my brain. Maybe if I spew some of them out--I'll be able to focus on just a few of them. I started a post a few days ago and deleted it. I'm developing a filter! Yay me!
This is just between you and me but I've always felt like I had something unique to contribute to the world. I wish I knew what it was. I don't want/need to be in the lime light (doubt me if you must...) but I know that I am put in specific places for a reason. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I know that Heavenly Father really does have a plan for me. It'd be nice to know exactly what that plan was. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's just to make others feel important and loved? All I know is that I love people to the point that they probably really don't understand so it's not like I'm TRYING to make them feel comfortable and loved, it's just genuine...but isn't everyone like that? Random thought--I know. I guess, I'm just wishing that I didn't have to try so hard to know what my spiritual gifts are, you know?
This next thought kind of goes along with that last one. I am wishing SO badly that I excelled in something...something that would allow my creative juices to flow :) It doesn't have to be a performing art (although that is what I truly wish I had). If I could pick from a list of talents to have--I'd probably pick being vocally and musically inclined. I would LOVE to just sit down and play the piano while singing along. I can sing fine enough but it's nothing to brag about. I wish I had a voice like Hilary Weeks, Carrie Underwood or Chloe Agnew. I would also settle for Celine Dion :) Singing is something that can be improved but I kind of believe you either have "it" or you don't. If you can sing in tune doesn't mean you can sing attractively. You know what else would be cool? To be a songwriter. How's that for being creative? I KNOW I can't draw worth beans so I'll have to forget about that one...
Next up: More PCOS. I got some blood work done last week and I'm still waiting to hear back about the results. They're testing all sorts of stuff so I was told it might be a week. The book I'm reading is awesome. I don't know why I can't sit still long enough to read a fictional book but I am soaking this one up. I'm trying to read it slowly so I can understand everything I'm reading. Things are finally clicking...even the tiniest things that I didn't even know were associated with PCOS are making sense. Finally! It's actually really fascinating to me. I wish I would have taken a serious look at it sooner but I can't change the past so I shouldn't dwell on that. Look up and move forward. (I made that up, poignant, isn't it?)
I'm listening to the Sense & Sensibility soundtrack right now and it's just lovely. If you have any others that are similar--do tell. I can actually feel the stress melting away.
I have more to say, but I don't know if anyone will actually read a post that is that long--so maybe I'll save it for later!
It's hard making friends in an apartment complex when you work. I have a couple friends who live in different buildings but I don't get to see them much. I just met Betsy who lives two apartments below us. She doesn't hardly speak ANY English so I sat down by her and we started chatting in Spanish. She was so happy that I knew Spanish and I was so happy to be able to PRACTICE my Spanish. I told her everyday I need to practice and that I would help her learn English a little bit at a time. She has a kid Cole's age and they were playing together perfectly even though they didn't speak the same language. I love that kids can do that. Language barrier? No problemo. Anyway, I have a friend. :) Yipeeeeeeee!
When I was 14, I was told I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I didn't think much of it until I was engaged and started thinking more about having children. We were lucky when we got pregnant with Cole. In fact, the doc said it was more of a miracle because I may have only been fertile once or twice a year based on my history. I've always known that Cole was born when he was born for a reason. Now that he just turned 5, we've decided to be more proactive about getting pregnant again. Whatever we're doing (or not doing) just isn't working.
I saw a new ob/gyn who I really liked and after a full exam he asked me if I'd ever heard of PCOS. Unfortunately I had, and he confirmed that he was 100% positive that I had it. It pretty much sucks. The name is pretty misleading because it actually doesn't even have to do with having cysts on your ovaries, in fact, it is pretty normal for women to have some cysts on their ovaries. It has more to do with insulin resistance and unbalanced hormones.
I was told that losing weight was difficult (I already knew that), that it made it hard to have babies (knew that too), that it caused abnormal fatigue (figured that one out), moodiness (Danny could have told you that) and that I had increased acne because of this (something I didn't know--but wasn't surprised to hear). There are lots of other symptoms which you can read about if you care, but I mostly just wanted to process some of what I heard. About half of women with PCOS are overweight and have difficulty losing it--the other half of women are either average or under weight, which I found interesting. The doc said even if I were to eat the "right" amount of calories for my height and weight--it wouldn't affect my weight loss the way it does for an average person. About 1 in every 15 women has PCOS so it's not that rare (per se) but it's usually only discovered in women who are trying to have children and go to see a doctor on why they can't seem to get pregnant.
There's more to say on this topic--but I'm on my way to Barnes and Noble to pick up a new book.
I think some people will wonder why I have a blog that's all about ME and MY views on things and what I think is important in the world...but I decided after thinking about it that even if I have ONE person read this blog who is positively affected by what I write, I've improved the world just a little. And that's something I've always wanted to do. I've always felt like I had something to contribute to the world. I don't know in what capacity that will come about--but I do know that at this time in my life, this is all I have time for. Some people have gifts that they can share with millions of people whether it be writing newspaper columns, books, music, dance or any other number of things. I might not be one of those people but if I can write one thing that will help one person--I can justify sharing some of my thoughts. Just some things I've learned about life. I realize I'm only 30 (wow, I think I've only said that a few times) and that I haven't lived this big long life that adds up to a lot of wisdom. But I think I've had enough experiences that I can share them and hopefully someone out there will relate to them. So even though I can't commit to keeping this updated regularly, I can commit to writing things that are important to me and maybe to some of you.
